Zero

Imagine an ant quickly moving around, looking for something, trying to find a path, alone in the huge world. What this world is to an ant?

 How would you feel in the middle of an ocean where you couldn’t see anything except black silent water, miles and miles around you? Nothing to follow under the gloomy blue sky, just the bright full moon, shinning, glowing like a young lady sitting on a bench under a lamp post. Yes! What else would you hold on to at that time? In a starless night, just a hope shining, a companion in your loneliness. But you gulp your anxiety when that hope gets lost behind the clouds. Your complete life is filled with emptiness and your heart bursts like a balloon.

You try to think that it is hiding somewhere behind those dark clouds. No thunder and lightning to take your mind away, just the silence of the sea. No waves and no wind, just you trying to float, trying not to gulp the water, struggling to keep your breath, fighting with the force of darkness around and below, which is trying to push you deeper and deeper. What will you feel when your hope is not there to keep you comforting? Lost. Fighting with the mind to believe it still exist, it’s still there somewhere behind those clouds and a moment will come when it will uplift your soul by embracing you in its grace and charm, to give that power in your mind to hold on, just to keep floating, swimming endlessly towards that apparent hope.

But somewhere in your mind there is a thought that the hope is lost, forever, and it won’t come back.

Serenity in the solidarity is getting blown away.

What are you waiting for? A miracle to save you! A hope which is fighting for existence in your mind? You start to loose consciousness, your mind starts sleeping, body aching. Your belief starts losing its grip and legs go numb. The faith which kept you alive all this while is going to be drowned.

Just then you wake up and find yourself crawling on a hill, surrounded by fire, sweat dripping down from the forehead, fingers bleeding and knees bruised. You desperately try to get the heavy air in your tired lungs, your body slowing down, unable to lift your wasted legs, gasping for that one last breath that can save your life. You look towards the tip of that hill, bright light piercing your eyes. Trying to figure out what it is, when an apparent ray of hope channeling through your veins against the obtuse reality, fights to capture your bewildered thoughts. Tormented with bizarre illusions, you desperately try to adjust your vision.

Nothing is holding you right now beside that ray of hope; you feel like someone is trying to pull you out with a rope from deep dark dungeons of misery. Unaware of darkness going to engulf, you realize that hope is descending slowly. It feels like years have gone by trying to crawl on that hill of unbearable thorns. Suddenly that hope hides behind the hill, and you give that last push to the body not to loose that hope, that ray, that rope which tries to keep your life hanging from the cliff. That hope in your mind is losing it’s foundation. Just like a tail of a lizard desperately wiggles when it is slashed from it’s body, you also try to bring all the energy left, in your trembling hands, so that you can reach that ray of hope: a light; a glow for your soul; a healer which will make your pain go away. A battle going on in your mind; a clash of thoughts; whether the hope is there or not. It is that moment when nothing ‘exists’ in your mind with something.

Your life depends on that battle, the clash between nothing and something, a battle which keeps you going, which still keeps you on your edge, fighting for the last breadth with your collapsing lungs and crumbling legs, like a butterfly whose wings are crushed and soul bruised but precariously striving to find a flower in the deserted and ruined garden, just a hope to find even a single flower alive in the dying closure of desire. All you have right now is a hope of infinite ways which can go in your favor.  

What will be the result? Who knows. Nothing in your mind bearing and yielding the evolution of all your hopes and giving birth to infinite possibilities. Fight between no possibility and a hope of many ways that can go in your favor. If that ‘no possibility’ wouldn’t be there then what would you do with all the hopes? Without failure in life what is the worth of many successes? Will life be worth living?

Your life is held on zero.  

Non-existing Reality

Zero. I wonder who came up with that Idea. A word, a concept, an unending hole with infinite vastness; without perceptive reality; a non existence. It is neither dependent on time nor on space but still in some way is linked with this universe. Do you have any least possible idea of nothing being something? A ‘thing’ being portrayed which doesn’t exist.

     Imagine a growing fetus in a mother’s womb, evolving to be a child, which you must have seen on TV.

     If we go to the point when the universe started, a very small nebula, so small that it would be impossible for you to perceive, at that moment there weren’t any physical laws. Your conscience imagines from it’s experiences, where  physical being and the world around you, are all dependent on natural laws. Can you go back before big bang? Is it possible? when there wouldn’t be any concept of ‘back’ before it! The time started from there, it is continuously flowing, and we are just experiencing the present.

     Aborigines say, what stands in front of us is our past because we can see it, and what lies behind is our future, lying in oblivion.

     Aren't we all just in the present, flowing with the evolving universe, existing concurrently like a part of it. This universe is seeing itself from its own eyes, through us!

     Our past is just a memory, an imagination of our mind and the future is just our desire…

    Can you break down anything which you can think of? Things which are directly visible breaking down to molecules, atoms, photons, quark and to that smallest ‘thing’ which reaches closest to nothingness. That smallest ‘thing’ which is a common factor between everything and I am not talking about electrons or photons or neutrons, the ‘thing’ which they are made up of, which our microscopes haven’t found out yet. Aren’t we experiencing that same ‘thing’ from different concepts, whether it is time, space, energy, matter or mass? That’s what Einstien proved from e=mc^2, i.e., energy and mass are equivalent and c^2 is the converting factor of units like you multiply 24 to convert day into hours.

     Let me put it this way, you are experiencing that ‘thing’ like you experience time by using different units such as seconds, minutes, hours, months and years. They are all actually representing the same thing which is a moment but from different perspectives. In the same way you are experiencing this universe from different perspectives with concepts like time, space, energy, mass and matter. Where that smallest ‘thing’ came out of nothing, where the potentiality of something to be created lies. As said by Stephen Hawking that this universe came out of nothing and will continue to come out of nothing due to the law called gravity.  

     What are we doing? Aren’t we finding patterns in this universe which leads to information, leading to knowledge, resulting in the perception called science? A perceptive reality and not an actual reality.

     The existing ‘we’, mingling, coinciding, rooting with nothingness to yield colors of a majestic rainbow; aroma of a pure, genteel flower blossoming in a wondrous land; the effulgence of a sparkling, innocent face of a person in a beautiful moonless night, walking down the road, passing by you. Isn’t that world our perception, our imagination? If I look into your brain, I will just find electric current flowing through neurons. What is this world to a bat which looks at it like we see an ultrasound? Would you be able to imagine a world as seen by a chameleon, rotating both its eyes 360 degrees in opposite direction? When you say you are seeing something, you are not actually seeing but interpreting different wavelengths which reach your eyes, flowing in your brain as electric current.

     Where is that image in your brain when you imagine a beautiful sunset? A dream, where you are falling down from a cliff, terrified, experiencing it, desperately trying to come out of that nightmare. And finally you wake up with a shudder, gasping for air, exuding your horror, perspiring with terror.

     Where are you imagining it? No! Not in your brain and that’s the hard question. Your brain is just interpreting signals passed as electric current through various senses. You wouldn’t find any color, taste, touch, smell or sound in your head, it’s just interpretation. Where is that knowledge of this perceptive world hidden? The world which is so different from other species’s experiences. Aren’t we observing a perceptive universe rather than the actual universe through our limited senses?

     Science hasn’t come out with a reason for this perception. Yes! it has found out which part of our brain works on this perception through various technologies. But there is not even one theory where that color, taste or sound lies. Your own body, the way you are seeing and feeling it, is a result of your perception. does that consciousness lies in nothingness? What we call with different names such as soul or spirit, independent from the concepts of time and space.

     What world is that, where non-existence gives birth to this ‘thing’ whose presence is interpreted by consciousness, giving the ‘thing’ a pattern, and that pattern leads to information which we conceive, such as a tree, a star, flower, hill, water and everything which you see, feel, hear, taste or smell. This existence lies on nonexistence.

A great philosopher once said “Nothingness is the essence of God.”

A Void

What we do in life echoes in eternity. - Maximus

Does your mind starts boggling when you hear people talk about spirituality. Muslims going to the mosque standing together, bowing down, chanting while rolling beads in their hands; Christians preparing for their Sunday mass; Hindus standing humbly with hands clasped closely to their chest in utmost attention, all seeking God’s blessing. Why people are so attached with the concept of heaven and hell? People meditating calmly and quietly, it feels like they have finally reached nirvana. Do you really understand spirituality, soul and the need to seek blessing. What exactly a person is looking for? What is the core idea of customs, cultures, rituals and religions?

Why on a Saturday night we want to forget about the exhausting week and just drown ourselves in a mode of laughter and happiness. Even the hardship you have done during the week is for what reason? Why we want to sleep so deep by the time we wake up, it should feel like ages have gone by. Why do we plan a trip to a hill station, to party on a beach, or even a walk on a lonely road? In my last article I discussed about emotions, however if you observe closely, what void are we trying to fill? What is that one thing which all our energy and emotions are trying to achieve? Subconsciously or by determination, why we do what we do?

Meditation is like the relativity equation e=mc^2, you know there is something extraordinary but going into the depth and deciphering it, is like solving Da Vinci’s code. Peace is like a shining star in a dark night, where it sparkles alone, elucidating the atmosphere. You cannot really catch that star or look into its deep mysticism but you can’t stay away from acknowledging the beauty and the aura it creates in your mind.

How do we differentiate things which give us temporary high rather than an effect which is eternally soothing? Looking far away from zenith, beyond perception, a state where you will be in bliss and not just happiness. Or happiness itself is just a perception. An internal craving: A motivator in living a life, a driving force for all our actions. Don’t we all are doing a jihad to find that hope, a place, a moment, a state of intoxication and ecstasy, just being captivated in delight.

What we do? Watch a movie, a game of football, a trip to Bangkok, an evening in a disc? But all this energy and emotions thriving to feed an internal craving creates only a mode of temporary exultation. Some are happy in the things they do while others do things to be happy.

Even a God fearing person lying with his head down, tears rolling down from the corner of his closed eyes, praying for that Promised land which is a bliss, an eternal salvation, trying to achieve nirvana. In need of sympathy for all the tribulation he has been through in this life, the loss of a loved one, all the pain and misery. Giving charity to a person who in his perception is less pathetic than he is. Awaiting to be in the Promised Land, a hope to hang on. A gift for all the ‘good’ works that he did; ‘bliss’- reciprocation for all his suffering in this world. People take one of these interpretations according to how they have spent their lives. 

 A ‘serial killer’ who is in search for his next victim with an unfulfilled passion, a desire to be fulfilled. The thirst for an ecstasy, devotion in performing an art. Keeping a part of the art; a collection of trophy, a living memoir. Bringing a meaning to his life or trying to live this life. The bizarre yearning and an uncommon motivation to achieve something with his existence. Is it a deep call from heart, a psychological satisfaction or it’s just another way to quench thirst in someone else’s suffering like a black humor?

The problem might not lie in this world but the methods to achieve that feeling of completeness. The result can be disastrous when your mind and your ego try to fill a void. 

Fading Emotions

There is an unending relationship between our thoughts and our actions in life. However, mostly you will find contradictions. The uncomfortable sensation when you cannot get the feel while asking some ones well being.  If you are a happy go lucky guy or prince charming of a blonde, don’t read further. Chao. For others, the emotional warmth doesn’t come out easily when you have to hug someone or to say “OH! What happened???” The grip of uneasiness when connecting with someone emotionally. There is a moment in life when someone says to you that you are cold at heart. The restless feeling and the awkwardness of expressing emotions. When you ask the question do I have any feeling? Or am I born this way? You might also think that emotions are for wimp. It belongs to some other world where hideous people have and try to show it to others. The eternal saga of battle between expressing emotions against the untiring and emotionally exhausting world. I say emotionally exhausting because the work you have to do in order to bring out the ‘feel’ of that emotion. The incessant job to assert your emotions on your face and in your words, your mind just goes into hibernation at night to save itself from this task. The task which is like trying to fix a TV by banging on it with your hand, you just don’t know how to fix it but you still try and fortunately most often, it works.

It’s not, that you don’t have emotions at all; it’s just, that you don’t have it for most people and if you have, expressing it or even knowing, where it is kept inside you, is difficult. You might have seen films like Weather Man or 100 Girls, the narration which goes on in those films, if your life would also be like a voice-over where you don’t need to give arguments and explanations by yourself, where your mind narrates everything. The ‘Dexter’ TV series (it doesn’t matter which Dexter comes in your mind, both serve my purpose), where the main character is trying to find a place in this world of emotions, living a secret life, following a passion, (wonder why both characters have an intimidating sister?) and the difficulty in connecting with the normal world.

But there is one person with whom u feel something, a  friend with whom you connect, no more exhausting the time is, u don’t have to show exaggerated emotions and you both understand each other. It doesn’t matter whether ‘Lila’, ‘Miguel’, ‘Mandark’ or a person equally broken as you are. But nothing fruitful happens as said by a great scientist, like poles can never be set together. The clash of un-emotional ego and passion of misery leaves a black spot on your ‘Self’. It’s like jerking an ink pen when the ink stops flowing and suddenly you realize, in rage the aim went wrong leaving ink blots on your paper. If just, you would have remained a little calm, you wouldn’t have spoiled a beautiful story.    

In the end, one thing is for sure, if you observe, no one is emotion less, not even you, no matter how broke you are. Right now you are just pathetic, you have emotions filled with rage, anxiety, hollowness, sometime feeling angry or mostly distant from everyone. You just need to get your life back. Instead of explaining and arguing with people, rationalize it to yourself. We all try to look and observe the world but try observing and analyzing what’s in your heart, understand your bitterness, your anger, your desperation. The night might be too long, the world might be too ugly but it’s your will which will guide you to dawn.

GOing to WATCH – SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION.

 Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.