Why am I scared to die?
Cigarette
burns on my forearm. The moment when the tip of the fag touched my skin, it
relinquished the pain in my heart briefly. The idea of suicide did not creep
into my mind, it barged its way in with thunder and lightning. It brought a
storm of panic and anxiety of a ruthless pain, heart pumping furiously,
breathing as if the room is full of smoke. Why I felt that way? Love
unfulfilled? Love of my unfulfilled dreams? Broken heart? A selfish love or
love means being selfish. Isn't hate a more selfless gesture than love? The
demand that the other person should hate back is not there but love thrives on
the hope one day that feeling will be reciprocated. If one says otherwise he or
she is just being a hypocrite. I don’t think anyone has committed suicide out
of hate. It is love which compels us to take our own life.
I am not making an argument for
hate but both feelings are the root cause of our misery. The only difference is
love in general is leading to the propagation of our species in the way it is heading
now. Widespread hate would have created a different chaos. If we choose one of
the two, that will be the end of our misery. If we ‘only’ love we wouldn't know
what hate is and if we ‘only’ hate the idea of love wouldn't be there.
Aren't we living in a cycle of
love and hate? Personally, generally and historically. If mostly everyone have
come to a consensus that humans should love each other and it is the only way
we will be in a peaceful state then why in the past thousands of years of human
history we haven’t achieved it?
We want peace and love but the
reality is the survival of our ‘mind or thought’ or ‘I’ as we know, is only
thriving on this misery and I am sure this paradox will go on as long as the
humans live. Choosing one would have only made us robots and the ‘I’ will be
extinguished.
Our main reason of survival is
this paradox. That’s the reason I haven’t committed suicide yet or haven’t let
go the thought of it. The paradox of the demand to live and die both at the
same time, I didn't realize it before but on this paradox my mind or thought
survives. I could easily get the answer, to make my mind up, either to live or
die. Any one of it would have ended the misery. The only difference is the
latter would have solved it permanently. But I don’t want that misery to end. In reality I don't want love or hate. I
thrive on the desire of love and hate. That’s the most reasonable answer for why am I scared to
die.
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