My
thinking gets deeply refined with each adversity and happiness is
just a celebration of it.
There
comes a time when I think nothing is on the right track in my life,
I think I had enough, the thought of ending my life haunts me. And
that is the moment which would either annihilate or bring me out of
the dungeons, evolved like a phoenix. It might be just a small step or
a like a snail crawling on grass, but it would be a giant leap of my
'self'.
What
worse in life is there when one cannot reciprocate his intentions to
do good for the people whom he cares most? When the only reason he
thinks he is alive is just to make them feel proud of him one day. To
give them back the same feeling of contentment which they have given
him every time. It gives more pain just by the thought that if I end
my life, I would leave a life time of sadness in them.
What
one does when living this life becomes intolerable and ending is not
the solution. Yes, that sense is there, otherwise this article wouldn't make any sense. I have heard of the phrase when the going gets tough,
the tough gets going. But in my mind, if the tough is immovable and
the going is just stagnant, it gets me nowhere.
It
feels like I am just stranded in a desert walking miles and miles,
hallucinating an oasis, with cramped legs, warn out lungs, my throat
screeching with thirst for water and every inch of my soul thriving
for hope. Every good deed which I did in the past, every thought,
manifesting, elucidating for a miracle. The entire endeavor of a
person, his thoughts, actions and feelings can be reduced to just one
word at this moment: Hope.
Each
moment of my existence squeals with the burden of this life. Life, not in the sense living my dreams, but which is dependent on others.
Their expectations, care, love, respect, favor. That's the
only thing which keeps me going; fighting; striving to achieve something, anything! To make something with my life which will give
it a meaning, a satisfaction.
At this moment there
comes no thought of helping someone else in my mind. At this time
facing the world is like standing on an active volcano which is going
to erupt and there is no time to run away. I don't want to share my
feelings with others, even with those whom I trust, who care about
me because it will just make me feel more pathetic. I know life right
now is sad and sharing will only testify it. It is like the Coldplay
song, once I was the king of my world and now I am just sweeping
ashes of my burnt heart...
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